A few months ago I wrote this post making fun of my irrational obsession with my weight. In general I was joking about the fact that I think I’m fat when I’m not and how much I hate the gym. Although I was trying to make light of the matter, the comments proved that the topic is serious for a lot of girls.
In the past week I have been reading a lot of posts about New Years resolutions for 2009. I think resolutions are just a ridiculous trend that people do to make themselves feel accomplished without actually doing anything. “Oh, so I didn’t go to the gym yet, but I wrote it down…”
Anyway, all of the ‘09 resolution posts were kind of similar and every single list had get skinny/ lose weight/ eat healthier on it. Typical. For me though, that would never be a resolution or on a list because it is something I have been obsessing over every day since I was about 11.
Last night I finished reading Wasted, a memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia by Marya Hornbacher. It is a really thorough look at what it is like to have an eating disorder. After reading that, I realize that although my perception of my body is skewed, I in no way ever took to a level of self destruction.
Food has always been a main component in bringing my family together. Every family function would include my grandma or an aunt suggesting that I eat more. To me, food was an enemy. I felt like I was always surrounded by it, I usually still feel that way. Some days I am completely disgusted by the idea of eating. I always feel completely self conscious eating in front of people thinking that they believe I am eating too much. Going to the gym made and still makes me more critical of myself.
I try not to judge people based on looks, I am usually only critical of myself.
I have no idea exactly where the idea that you need to be skinny to be attractive or successful got into my head. It was probably the combination of the media, the “popular” girls throughout school being skinny and my constant need to live up to people’s expectations.
Over time I have grown a bit more comfortable with my body. I’ve come to learn that most people would say I am thin and in general, guys don’t actually want someone who is a perfect size 2. I understand that personality is more important, but appearance is the first thing that a person is judged on. I want to say that my weight doesn’t concern me as much anymore, but just this morning as I was staring in the mirror, I was hating myself for the small bit of skin that was hanging over the side of my pants.
I still desperately want to fit into my tiny Abercrombie and Fitch jeans from when I was my skinniest.
Whenever I see girls around the age of 11 or 12 I get really sad for them because the world they are growing up in is probably much worse. So much focus is put on looks. Girls these days seem to be constantly surrounded by celebrities, such as Miley Cyrus, who are considered to be perfect and use their body to gain success.
I am not going to make a New Years resolution, but I will continue working on a goal. Rather than saying I will ”get skinny” or “lose weight” in 2009, I will continue working towards being comfortable in my own skin.
(Listening to ‘Boys and Girls in America’ by The Hold Steady)
Tags: 2009, body image, gym, life, Miley Cyrus, new years resolutions, thoughts
January 5, 2009 at 9:57 am
My sisters both had really bad perception problems with their weight. I’m getting to the point where I have to start watching what and how much I eat too. I took 2 months off running and I put on almost 15 pounds pretty much instantly. Maybe a little less bacon…maybe…
January 5, 2009 at 10:20 am
Or just make a simple new years resolution: be happy, make money. That’s mine. Easy to acheive, involves no self judgement.
People thought there were image problems back when MTV showed off the punk rockers using drugs and such. Now we blame MTV because they tell us an everyday girl can make it big… And still have time to party, not be educated, have time to do whatever, always have things ‘work out,’ and so on, basically based on looks and popularity.
I wonder what 12 year olds resolutions are?
January 5, 2009 at 11:11 am
I know that I am overweight, Also I know that I will never be a size zero (look at my mum, grandma and great grandma to prove that one)
I like your “resolution” and I think I might adopt it with a tweak.
Learn to be happy in my skin again. I was happy with me when I was a teen so why now in my twenties does it bug me so much?
h =D
January 5, 2009 at 1:57 pm
My sister has always had issues with her weight. It just breaks my heart. I wish you the best this year, that you accomplish your goal, and that you can finally find that peace.
January 5, 2009 at 2:03 pm
do I have skin hanging over the side of my pants…heck yeah!! Striving to be perfect is an endless pursuit…so you’re right, becoming comfortable in your own skin is important.
Living in a house full of sorority girls (a few years back), I used to get so mad at the girls in my house complaining constantly about their weight. It ALWAYS put a damper on their day, and they always complained about things that I never saw. I learned how ridiculous the “ideal body image” was after that.
Unfortunately there will always be guys and girls pointing out your flaws (it’s happened to me too). After awhile, you acquire a whatever attitude about your body…and you learn to rise above the pettiness. It’s not a perfect method, but it’s the only way to keep from going crazy keeping up with “what’s in” in the body image department.
January 5, 2009 at 3:25 pm
I went through a really bad phase as an undergrad where my thoughts about weight and food were pretty skewed. At the time (being dramatic, of course) it seemed to me that I’d never be able to think of food normally–that I would always want to be skinnier. I actually remember thinking that I should never have kids, because if I had a girl, I would just pass on these terrible ideas to her.
It always comes as a surprise to me now that these ideas have passed. I’m more comfortable with myself than ever. I’ve even been able to lose weight without losing my mind again, and that was a big test for me.
My mind is in the right place finally, but I still have some bad habits, so that’s what I’m working on now.
January 5, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Don’t worry I read your whole post. I don’t really have much to say about it because we are friends like that but I like all the topics you choose to write about. You’re good at this blogging thing hahaa. LOVVVVVVVVVVVVVE YOUUUUUUUUUU
January 5, 2009 at 8:24 pm
i already told you but….
you’re pretty (in and out)…..so doez not be self-depracating
just sayin
January 5, 2009 at 9:41 pm
This is such a real issue for so many people. I’ve always been kind of oblivious to other peoples’ weight issues, but I see my younger sister growing up so quickly–she is obsessive about her weight, and is probably one of the thinnest people I know. It’s hard to watch!